Today is my chapbook, Dancing Backwards Towards Pluperfect’s first birthday. The year has flown by quickly and much has happened both in my book life, my real life, and in America’s life, not to mention the upheaval everywhere.
There were high notes and disappointments, one of the highs being it was shortlisted for a Lammy Award, which was the most I could hope for for it considering it is a chapbook and there are not lots of contests to submit it to, but also, my writing is just not contest writing (usually). I don’t fit in, but also, I don’t want to, so I have to kick my own butt when I catch myself whinging about the things I don’t have—and try to count my blessings, of which I have many. The Lammy shortlist was, for me, a great story about underdogs as I am not an It-girl-boi poet, I don’t have a big MFA support network, and I’ve had to work hard for everything I get. And there have been OBSTACLES, big ones, which I will likely never write about, but… Being an underdog is just hard…
This all reminded me a bit of when I was young doing Taekwondo and decided to enter a tournament, which I heard about through my school. Everyone expected and wanted the pretty-yet-cocky blonde straight girl, Dana, from my school to win—the one who belted me in the mouth while sparring, causing a bloody lip, before the no-contact, but actually full-contact, tournament. I was a sort-of punk, buzz-haired, loner artist dyke with no support, and, while I don’t like to brag, I kicked ass that day and won the tournament. Soon after, the semester ended, and I quit the school, never to return… Of course, there were no such opponents in the Lammy Awards and I don’t really regard the other finalists that way. I’m happy for them too because, for the most part, if you’re a lez in lit, you might as well be dead… So getting some accolades is so very welcome. I also acknowledge there was a huge element of luck in this, but also, it feels so great knowing something I wrote moved someone(s) while also defying some peoples’ expectations (which is the cool part of being an underdog (I do hope this doesn’t sound like bragging). Getting acknowledged by peers—also, super cool.
Know I don’t often enter contests and I’m not particularly competitive. I was when I was young but did some significant work around it (around the time I quit the karate school, and more, when I started exhibiting art). To celebrate the successes of others whole-heartedly, in my opinion, is where we should all be headed as humans and lit citizens.
I’ve been reflecting on the book lately, in part due to the birthday, but also because of certain recent life events that seemed to coincide with issues explored in this book and my other work. Some of the things touched upon in the book are loss, addiction, abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and other implied abuses. While I consider this somewhat auto fiction (hybrid poetry), of course, some of it was shaped by my experience, and some of it was very anecdotal, or at least riffed off real life…
Many of my family members have addiction or did (many of them are are now gone, including my cousin who died of an overdose this year), leaving her offspring both motherless and fatherless. Her ex-boyfriend died under mysterious (probably drug related) circumstances also. My feeling, a murder. Hers, especially, was a very heartbreaking and unnecessary death and made for a difficult year, but other life events seem to point to a chapter of my life closing in a way that parallels my writing.
For one, two abusers in my family left this plane recently, and the third and probably most dangerous was just committed to a dementia center, his mental state and external restrictions rendering him pretty harmless to others. And while I wouldn’t wish dementia on anyone, my younger relatives stand a better chance of healing and surviving, and I’m just going to say it, the world got a bit safer, and while things continue to be difficult for me in many ways, and the filth that is our government continues to dismantle anything that remotely worked in our system, I’m moving through this passage with a strange hope and a LOT lighter than I was a couple weeks ago as I realize I’m completing a difficult transit and entering a new phase of life.
I hope to see you on the other side of it. And thank you for supporting me, my chapbook, and my writing… I don’t think lit people are interested in talking about book publishing as life passages, but, for me, it’s definitely a part of it. There’s no tenure committee champing at the bit for my list of accomplishments and proof of self worth in my humble, non-academic existence (and I’m glad, to be truthful). This is just authentic life hanging here in these words I share.
One thing that is very clear to me is that there is no way I could have published this book without the help from others. I’ve received a lot of amazingly generous support in the way of publishing, promotion, and in much-needed emotional support when things got strange. Publishing is tough, and I’m not sure where I’m headed in it, but this has been a really great life passage in finding and learning about community, something I have experienced very little of in life save for some childhood years in which this queerdo got to experience it in the farm area I spent the bulk of my childhood in, mostly by proxy through my grandparents connections, something that is now long gone from this area. While internet community means people come and go way to fast for my temperament and life wounds, still, I’m so grateful for this experience, wherever it leads…
Thanks for stopping by. Hang in there… Keep writing. Do friendship well. Hold your loved ones close. More soon.
*You can purchase a signed copy of my book here (U.S. only), or get an unsigned one from Diode (also, if purchasing internationally, you can request a shipping discount in writing using their web form). If you have any issues, please contact me.